I could make wine with my vomit
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
