No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
