I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will be naked everywhere
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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