the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Actions speak louder than pants.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
