No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
