is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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