I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
