She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
