we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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