I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
