Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
