so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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