Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
