woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
did you just send me my own nude
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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