i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
