do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
