What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
