I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
