he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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