Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
