Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
