I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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