im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
