So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
