He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
