i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
