Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
