I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
