Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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