y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
