Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
