So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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