I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
