that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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