Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
