Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
