franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
