I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
