Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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