just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
