mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
