That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
