Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
