The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
