You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
3 2 1 whiskey
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
