Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
