Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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