my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i've created a new STD.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
