great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
