please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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