the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your cock deserves a montage
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
