he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
