hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize