I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
