I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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