Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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