Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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