oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
