i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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